Barn to a Cross

thought i better update so that people know i am alive.  i cannot remember the last time i did NOTHING all week.  i can't even remember the last time i stayed home for this long.  i have not driven a car in a week, i have not been out to eat in a week,  i did not go to any of the 60 things i committed to all week.  i mean crazy for me.  crazy yet good, i have had lots of time to get my thoughts all together.  my house is clean, and my head is clear.  what happened to us, was nothing short of a horrible thing, yet when i think of other parents who face such tragedy i can't help but be grateful.  from the moment i became a mom i always idolized Mary.  she was so strong, brave, and courageous.  i just think of her feelings when she had to ride a donkey to go pay taxes.  give birth in a barn,  raise, love, and watch Him grow into a man.  She was there watching Him take on the whole world's sin, she had to watch him get beat and endure death.   
When i think about my Lobster, i know i gave it all i could.  i was there, i know that it died in a comfy, warm,  and loving spot.   i know that it was safe from the world, safe from crazy people, safe from drugs and drinking.  i know that it went from being loved and held by me, to being loved and held by Mary.  i know she would gladly rock my baby for me till i get there.  what more peace do i need. 

i have always heard that God grants you the peace you need to get through the things that you face.  i can find that to be true, i admire moms who wait for hearts, or fight cancer for their kids.  i admire moms like Mary, who love their babies from a barn to the cross.  

This is the mom i want to be, to my Emrie, for Lobster, and Our future babies.  i want to just love them the way that Mary loved Her babies.   

thank u all for loving and caring for us.  i read and re-read all your sweet words over and over.  

We are headed north West for some family skiing.  i am excited to get away from home for a spell, i will be back to our life after Christmas.  

lots of love- Cass

Bad News Bears

Update :We had our Christmas party with the beauty shop this last saturday, after dinner i went to the bathroom and realized i had started spotting, so we went to the ER, they checked everything and could not find a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but found a heartbeat with the doppler.  so we had hoped that everything was ok.  so i called my doctor early monday morning and went straight to OKC.  my mom went with me, and i am glad she did.  Dr.K could not find a heartbeat, i asked if he was 1000% sure, and he was.  We all cried in the room.  His nurse nancy and him included.  they showed me great compassion.  i go in wednesday for a DNC.  i am ready to have that part all done. while i never expected such devistaion, and although i am not sure where to go from here.  i do know that God is in control.  i know that He never leaves us or forsakes us.  i know that we are in this place of grief and sorrow for a reason.  i know that this "Lobster Baby" served a purpose.  It will forever be in my heart and it changed me forever.  i loved and held this precious baby for way to short of a time.  i wish SO badly that we could of had a chance to watch it grow, but this is just another chapter in our story.  i am so thankful for the love that people pour out towards me, however i need to hide this week.  i am in no shape to be my normal self.  We leave this saturday for our ski trip, and i am excited to be away from reality.  my family is here, and i will be back to life after Christmas.  please just pray for us, pray for len to be strong, me to heal from heart-ache, and my sweet em to understand it the best she knows how.