Sad Day

i started reading the book "interrupted" by Jen hatmaker. let me just say that i kinda feel like this gal has her head screwed on straight. so far i think she has made perfect sense. i feel heavy and convicted today. i feel like some days i just dwell in the "Sad Day" stage. i have been dwelling and feeling some "poor me" things. i never want to come across as un-greatfil, or un-fullfilled. bc i am so blessed, i am so glad that Jesus paid my price. i mean really look around, there are plenty of roses to smell. He continues to show me how i need to be refining my heart. i just feel like my hands are tied, my back is against the wall, my life is at a stand still. its like i cannot move forward without a baby. my mind is consumed, my heart is broken, and my body is TIRED. i really in my own little head, think i deserve to be a momma again. i ache to feel a baby inside of me. and yet here i sit blogging about sad days. i am not going to lie, i feel a little betrayed or forgotten. i keep telling my head, that God is saving the best for me. He has a perfect timeline. he is saving my heart from devastation. he is protecting me. i get that, in my head. my heart on the other hand is SAD. i want to have the answers, i want to understand His plan. i want to just trust Him, Have Faith, and move on. so thats where and what i am. i am stuck between what i know in my head and feel in my heart.

God- make my heart match what i know in this crazy head of mine.

Be My Valentine

our family

the day he became a daddy
Our wedding day at the court house.
my little BOY SCOUT

I recently was reading this book, and it was talking about finding "Mr. Right" well i used to be a firm believer in "that crap don't happen" and at times i still feel that way. however the day i met Len, all my very firm thoughts went out on the dance floor. He is uniquely the very most perfect guy for me. now lets keep it real here: he is by no means perfect, he lacks a whole lot of sensitivity. but really he is what he is suposed to be. the book told me that your partner is supposed to have all the "fruits of the spirt" well let me just say there are 9 of those prcious fruits. and he has 8 out of 9. yea thats what i married ladies. myself on the other hand is a whole lot of mess. i struggle with JOY, PATIENTS, PEACE, GENTEELNESS, and my personal fav SELF-CONTROL. so in other words i need to learn some things from my man. He is so good, in so many ways. he loves his girls which is my favorite thing about him. He made me a momma, a wife, and he is all i want and need. he completes me in all those "struggly" places. he provides, and protects. he is Mine and he holds my heart. i love My valentine.

fertile gals

have you ever scene the mommas at wal-mart with shirtless, shoeless, dirty babies. the moms that forgot to brush their hair but have a cigarette and LIGHTER. Or how about when your in a restaurant and the mom next to you has a newborn and she is twitching from her drugs. now don't get me wrong here... i believe that every baby born in this world has a purpose. even those millions of babies who don't get the opportunity to breath on their own. Every Egg+Sperm, little tiny heartbeat should still always be treated with tender loving care.

i often find myself asking or even begging God WHY, WHY, and WHY can these crazy no good moms get pregnant over and over and i can't. Fertility struggles are not for the Week hearted. i mean it takes a Physical, and emotional toll on your heart and soul. in so many ways its one of the most frustrating and hurtful thing to struggle with. it takes your heart from anxiousness to excitement and failure all in the matter of a month. the meds make you INSAIN, the intimacy that it should take to have a baby is literally OUT the door. It is Rough !!!

at the end of this journey i hope i have a bundle of joy to love on and i hope that i have no time to write a blog about my life. but i also know that God feels the parts of your heart that you seek Him hardest at. he gives you peace in the midst of a hormone storm. He gives and takes or choose not to make life. He is the Almighty and He knows what should of, could of, and would of. He answers each burning question and blesses you when your not looking.

whatever happens i know For Sure that i am blessed beyond what i deserve.

she was in the mood for baking. so this was our creation. we are ready for the bake off.

we were busy playing horses, when i said "let me take your picture" i wish u could hear her carrying on about all her horses names and what the love. she is so detailed and smart. i hope she looks back on her childhood with fond memories of how things were.

black friday affair

We love to get out among the craziness of black friday. i am not sure why but we always seem to have good times. this year taylor lee joined the sisters and we did the shopping. we took connie which added a new touch this year. we got a few great deals and ended the night at 4;00am asleep in connie. taylor took one for the team and drove the sleepy sisters home. it was a fun night with good memories.

Skiing 2011

our little 4 year old ski bunny. i was not sure if we were going to try skiing with her this year, but she begged us to let her. so we rented her a set and off she went. we learned on the bunny slope 4x's and then headed to the top. she skied all the way down with no complaints and little help. all she kept saying was " lets go, i need to catch the big kids" we were so proud and she will be passing us by in a few years.

my entire gaol for the trip was a "family Pic" well it was a mess trying to get it taken and a even bigger mess to get the picture. but it was all worth it. its so nice to have both sets of parents in one big happy family pic. it really meant a lot to the 3 of us girls, to travel and have memories with both of our parents. we all shared some good laughs, and it made for a wonderful family trip.

we went to Steam Boat, CO. December 2011
me and my favorite man. the very first day skiing me and len ventured out alone. he was to excited not to ski that day. and it ended up being so nice. we went at our own pace and enjoyed each other. he really is a "one of a kind creature" he is fun, cool, calm, collected, smart, handsome, and all together perfect. {most of the time} i hope that i make him as happy as he makes me.

Genesis

So Our "conversion" group is going to read Genesis. so i rightfully started last night reading threw. i love my bath tub and i love to read in it. so that is my "me and God" time if you will. so anyways i was reading the same story that i have read my whole life, when i took another something new from it. Get ready, here it comes.

"On the 7th Day God rested and as he looked around He was pleased."

i think that as busy, Young, "do it all" People, we forget to rest. we forget to stop the train, hit the brakes, slow down. i mean really i feel like i am always running around like a chicken with my head cut in half. God calls us to rest on the 7th Day, why bc He did. so from here on out i think "Sunday afternoon Nap" is nothing sort of a necessity.

Also in Gen. 2:6 God used to make the rain come up from the ground instead of the sky. kinda a cool thought.

i think God is a very complex and talented Guy, but in some ways i also think He is simple and to the point. i think He is a swift decision maker, bold in His choices, and Very creative.