proud moment

on  March 24th, 2013 we were headed to bed.  our most precious times of the day are bedtime and morning prayers.  she was laying there with me and asked many questions about Jesus.  easter was coming and we had been watching "the Bible" so we had been talking a lot about the events that had happened.  something that night clicked in her head.  she understood about Jesus and His perfect sacrifice.  i told her all about what He went through for us.  i told her He loves us more then I love Her. she understood and we prayed a prayer and she asked Jesus to "come in" her heart and live.  special and precious moments that will always be my proudest time in her life.  We really questioned her and talked with our pastor and decided she was ready to be "bab-a-tized."   i asked my papa bill if he would  do the honors and he accepted.  he is a man of few words and he is not a fan of being center stage, but he did a perfect job.  we are so very blessed to have him in our family.  he is so very gentle and strong.  this man means so much to each of us.  Emrie was not nervous at all she was so excited.  i am proud that i have a Godly papa and a daughter that is so excited to love Jesus.  

 baby girl-  i want you to always remember how much Jesus means to you.  never run from Him bc you can't hide from Him.  He loves you so much, He will guide you, protect you, and bless you beyond what you could ever dream of.  He never lets us go and He holds us tight.
Our prayer for you is that you always honor Him with your life.  Jesus loves everyone and so should we.  We pray that her protects you from pain and heartache.  and that someday you can have a child so that you will grasp His almighty love for you.  We are so very proud of your choice and who you are deep inside.  there is just not enough words to tell you how much We love you.  you are our whole world and we are so blessed to be your momma and daddy.

 We are so blessed to be SO loved.  she is one popular girl with the best support in all the land.  it means so much to us that she is so loved by so many.

Ladies retreat 13

i have been trying to wrap my mind around this past weekend at the ladies retreat.  i have been the last 3 years, and this was the best year by far, for me.  the theme was " a love that never lets go," it was like it was tailored for me.  i love the way God plans all that out.  its no secret that i struggle with "waiting on the plan to unfold" i just think back over the last few years of my life and see time and time again how He is in charge of "the plan."  it was no mistake that i was at the retreat this weekend.  i was driving in my car after i took em to school, thinking i really don't want to leave her.  i fight God sometimes with what i want to do.  i know that as a mom and a woman that we really feel like the world will stop spinning if we are not taking care of the 100 things that day.  i should really trust my hubs more, bc he can in fact keep our life's going.
so i head south to falls creek friday and spend a weekend with Godly ladies that can refresh you.  God spoke to each of us in a different way, yet we all could relate.  i have been struggling with "pity parties" and dwelling in the poor me spot.  this weekend gave me a ray of sunshine.  once more God had that in the plan.  Friday night service was so good.  the speaker's testimony was she has 3 kids but lost her 4th baby just two hours after birth.  it has been 5 years and her emotion and feelings were so raw and evident.  healing from what i consider the very worst thing that could ever happen to anyone.  God chose His Son, so i think that gives us a good perspective on what a huge hole that would leave in anyones heart.  anyways she asked the audience to honor her baby and all the children that we lost.  she asked everyone in the room to stand if they had lost a child.  so precious and moving to see over half of the audience stand to their feet.  as i stood totally in awe of the ladies standing among me, i heard the anguish crying out from a woman across the tabernacle.  i have no idea about her story, but i felt her pain.  it was a healing moment for all the moms in that room to share a bond that is unimaginable.  for me personally it reminded me how special "my lobster" was to me.  how deep my love runs for my baby in heaven.  i don't really know the answers of how to heal, or how to fill the void you feel.  however i know that God is faithfully holding you.  i know He never drops you from his hand.  i know He is wrapping his big hands around those momma's broken hearts.  i also know that i would never want to face such heartache without the peace of Jesus.  i can't imagine walking down any heartache without Him.  
in Eph. 1:18- " I pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of His power for us who believe in Him.  this is the same power that raised Him from the dead and seated Him in the place of honor at God's right hand.
He is so strong and endured so much for me and you.  He knows and he is powerful.  He owns your life and heart.  He won't forget about YOU  !!!!!

Exercising with Jesus

so i am really into exercise these days.  i never in 100 years would of thought that i would love it, but i DO.  i love putting my head-phones in and just hearing my music.    this morning this song came on and it was no mistake.  
before the morning
you have to listen to it.   He told me, to believe i still have a reason to sing, bc the pain i have been feeling can't compare to the JOY coming.  
i know my JOY is coming btw her name will not be Joy. (side-note) 

a few weeks ago i visited a new mom, we have become good "infertile" friends.  i met her in the bathroom at church, we both ended up crying and sharing our heartache.  we both started the adoption process together, she got her precious baby G three weeks ago.  i took some dinner over and held that precious baby.  my friend looked at me and said these words, " i would DO IT ALL again, to hold her."   make no mistake, God knows the plan.  He puts people in your life and in my life at the very right moments.  
God gets me and i get him.  i know that He is refining and perfecting something about me, and i get Him.   i know He has a great and mighty plan that has our name written all over it.  
i am glad He is in charge bc if it was just me on this ship, i would of went over-borad many years ago.  

Frustrated and Bitter

let me fill you in on the happenings of our world.  for some reason God keeps putting Moms in my life, moms that need help, moms that are not even looking to adopt yet they get babies.  my sister has so many babies, this sweet couple i know get called to adopt a baby, this other couple gets twins from a family member, another mom is in a bad situation and needs help,  two girls in my ss class got their babies the last few weeks.  i am helping with 4 baby showers in april and may.  people have been giving me stuff to minister to these families.  while i am thankful and glad to help minister, i do not understand why i am being drawn to mommas and their babies.  i am in no shape to pour one more ounce of me into anyone else's babies.  

So no surprise here, but i am currently in a state of NOT good.  i am not a fan of patients, waiting, or suffering.  i like action, immediate action at that, and fun times.  lately i have developed a hard heart, and bad attitude. i do not like to be around pregnat ladies or new moms at all.  i have a hard time swallowing peoples pregnancy updates on Facebook.  i really do not like going to baby showers.   i find myself dwelling on the "could of been" or "what if. " 
let me just tell you this is a rough spot.  i feel like i am a Israelite wondering in the dessert for years.  i feel like sarah did, when she told abraham to to sleep with Hagar.  just fed up and frustrated, looking for plan W at this point.  i am tired and mad, i feel betrayed and alone.  empty and heart broke.  


Yet I find light in the dark, i have grace when i have no grace to give.  i see God at work even though its not in my own selfish timing.  i heard about this song       i look to you     from a friend, and boy it was just what i needed.   i feel like i have nothing left to give, yet i can look to HIM.  He is the almighty and He gives and takes life.  He has a plan, I know He dose in my head, but can't feel it in my heart.  God will use this time in my life when i know the answers, and see the plan unfold.  however this middle part that has lasted for 3 years has been rough and NO fun.  i am in the funk waiting for the waters to part, doors to open, and OUR BABY to come home.  

just FYI i will not hit you if you are pregnant or a new mom.  every baby is a perfect gift from God, and i am happy for you.