let me fill you in on the happenings of our world. for some reason God keeps putting Moms in my life, moms that need help, moms that are not even looking to adopt yet they get babies. my sister has so many babies, this sweet couple i know get called to adopt a baby, this other couple gets twins from a family member, another mom is in a bad situation and needs help, two girls in my ss class got their babies the last few weeks. i am helping with 4 baby showers in april and may. people have been giving me stuff to minister to these families. while i am thankful and glad to help minister, i do not understand why i am being drawn to mommas and their babies. i am in no shape to pour one more ounce of me into anyone else's babies.
So no surprise here, but i am currently in a state of NOT good. i am not a fan of patients, waiting, or suffering. i like action, immediate action at that, and fun times. lately i have developed a hard heart, and bad attitude. i do not like to be around pregnat ladies or new moms at all. i have a hard time swallowing peoples pregnancy updates on Facebook. i really do not like going to baby showers. i find myself dwelling on the "could of been" or "what if. "
let me just tell you this is a rough spot. i feel like i am a Israelite wondering in the dessert for years. i feel like sarah did, when she told abraham to to sleep with Hagar. just fed up and frustrated, looking for plan W at this point. i am tired and mad, i feel betrayed and alone. empty and heart broke.
Yet I find light in the dark, i have grace when i have no grace to give. i see God at work even though its not in my own selfish timing. i heard about this song i look to you from a friend, and boy it was just what i needed. i feel like i have nothing left to give, yet i can look to HIM. He is the almighty and He gives and takes life. He has a plan, I know He dose in my head, but can't feel it in my heart. God will use this time in my life when i know the answers, and see the plan unfold. however this middle part that has lasted for 3 years has been rough and NO fun. i am in the funk waiting for the waters to part, doors to open, and OUR BABY to come home.
just FYI i will not hit you if you are pregnant or a new mom. every baby is a perfect gift from God, and i am happy for you.
I am so sorry your are struggling! I know there is a purpose for all of this. You and I both know WHO is in control of this situation. I know this will be so easy for me to say, and very difficult to do, since I am not in your shoes. But, sweet girl, look around at what you do have. You have a fantastic, loving marriage. You have that sweet, fabulous daughter. I have found in the last few years when I focused on what I don't have life grows dark and bad. When I try my best to look at what I have, life grows sweeter. If God brings you to it, CASSIE, He will bring you through it. Trust in Him! Lean on HIM! When another struggling mom comes your way, trust that He brought her to you, not only to help her, but to show you where you are needed most!! I love you and I am praying for you everyday!!!
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