what 60 years mean to me....

Today we celebrated my nana and papa 60th wedding anniversary.  i wanted to say this today in front of everyone but i could not due to crazy emotions.  every time i think about this pair i cry.  such deep deep emotional and memories flood my mind.  

 they are not the type of grandparents that you spend the holidays with, we spent our every day life's with them.  when i was a kid, i remember sleeping on a cot at the foot of their bed, in my nana's nightgown.  a few years later i remember the pull out couch.  then i made progress to the room next to theirs.

 they are the ones that we take on family ski trips to babysit our kids.  they will sit out in the freezing cold just to watch emrie "barrel race."   they never miss birthdays or special events.

 when i used to ride the bus, i would ride it to their house.  when i was a teenager, my friends would meet me at their house.  i can't think of a time in my whole life that i have went a whole week without seeing them.

 He baptized me on his birthday on october 11th, 1992.   i wore this velvet dress, and the water was so cold.  then my sweet papa got to "bab-a-tize" our baby girl on april 21st, 2013.  see they not only are a HUGE part of their grandkids but the great-gradnkids get to have the same blessings.

 our papa and nana would take us every year to all our cow shows, no matter how far or how hot they took us.

 i look back over my life, and i can honestly say  that their love, consistency, and example has truly shaped me.  i hope that some day me and len can leave such a legacy.

Happy 60th my Nana and Papa. 

Hays family update

Well its that time again, we have some BIG news.  let me start back in early October-  we decided that we were ready to look into other adoption agencies.  i met a lady named janet, through a set of circumstances.  she was so encouraging and sweet, so i started the process with Eastern OK adoption agency.  i sit down to fill out yet another stack of papers, and i got totally frustrated.  its so hard to be examined, checked, and questioned on how you parent.  don't get me wrong i am glad they do, but i am just tired of proving our ability as parents.  i was so mad, i just pushed it to the side.  i was telling len how frustrated i was, he said just slow down and calm down.
i just was overly emotional, sad, and felt bad.  the next morning i went to the gym, i was praying to God to make my heart happy.  i prayed that He would just tell me what direction to go.  i left the gym, and went to walgreens.  i had been feeling "the glow" feeling so i picked up a preg test and went home.  all the way home i prayed that God would help my heart handle the disappointment that i have faced probably 100x's.  i took the test and it was POSITIVE !!!!  i could not wrap my head around it.  i told my family, checked my blood, took 6 more test, and it was all good news.  i wanted to wait to tell emrie, and facebook till after i heard that little BEAT.  so today we heard the first sign of our precious baby.  We are beyond excited and Emrie thinks being a big sis seems like a good idea.  
We are just amazed at the way OUR GOD works.  He had a plan all along, which makes perfect sense now.  i have really struggled and been real mad inside that we have not been chosen to adopt a baby in the last 8 months.  i just was so confident that we would be a great family.  God had a different plan.  He did not forget or leave us alone, He had this new little babe in mind all along.  We give Him 100% of the credit bc we really had lost all hope of making a original hays baby back in June of 12.  its just crazy how He works.  

this time last year, (12-12-12) we faced the worst of heartache, and once more God has granted us Peace, contentment, and pure Joy.  

i am so super sensitive to expectant mom's putting things on the internet, i know how hard it can be when you are the one struggling to have a baby.  i know its the most exciting for some and the hardest of pain for others.  so i will be keeping my infertile girls in mind, as i go through this pregnancy.  my heart struggled for the last month, i did not want to let my heart fully go.  i will tell you that i would walk this road all over again, if i can just hold a precious baby in my arms.  

to all our friends, family, church family, and even strangers that have fallowed our journey, we thank you.  We believe that God uses events and challenges in life to shape and form who we are.  God has changed and formed us through this all, He will continue to refine us to make us good parents for the new baby lobster #3.  

So remember this Picture, well these boots are filled for good this time.  

this is my song that has carried me through.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q13_J5Nrfpg

6th birthday letter

from the very moment we met you our life's have forever been changed.  i look back over all the memories and love we share.  there is no way for me to tell you how much i love you, its not even something i can describe.  i was asked today if i had to choose to save the world or you, what would i choose? without a doubt in my mind, i choose you.  

 your real cute baby girl.  

 5th birthday at school 

 year 5 was a eventful year in your life.  you have been a flower girl for your aunt leah and aunt chelsie.  you will get to be a flower girl at grandmal's wedding in a few days, your a pro by now.  

 papa bill got to "baba-tize" you this year.  proudest parent moment to date.  

 you had a run in with the ground after being thrown off "handsome" the horse.  we spent a night in the ICU, but you have recovered so well.  your strong and brave, baby girl.  

after a eventful year of being five, we are ready to see what 6 brings.  i find myself loving you more and more every day.  me and dad still smile at each other when you do something cute.  He loves to teach you new adventures, that is probably good bc mom likes you in a nice comfy bubble.  your very independent but still need your momma.  i did a girls hair today and she is moving off to college.  she said "i don't think i need my parents to move me in" please remember this and never say those words to me.  remember me loving and caring for you every single day of your life.  never forget our bedtime prayers, snuggles, kisses, and our undeniable bond we share.  mommas never stop being momma's.  

your favorite things in life right now are .......
#1 your mom and dad 
Kagan 
horses
pannny-cakes
nans's breakfast plate
the disney channel
riding scooters, 4-wheelers, and horses
your a homebody, or as long as your with mom body. 
you loved flying to see aunt chels and uncle J 
and you love to be busy and have friends over. 

our dearest Em- we pray that God keeps you safe and healthy, we pray that you grow up to love Him and love people like He dose.  your the very best part of us, and we count it a honor to be your--- mom and dad

We Gotcha Benett

Benett Harris GORDON !!!! you are officially ours to keep forever and always.  i just want you to know that you hold special pieces of my heart.  i will always understand your middle childness better then anyone else.  Even though your mom will try to convince you that there is no difference.  

You have been such a sweet, low-key type of guy all your life.  we all think you are the best little guy.  we cannot wait to see you grow up and become something great.  we pray that you always Love God, your family, and your really cool cousin.  she loves you very much.  

 We officially Welcome you, Ben to our crazy tribe !!!! We love you lots and are proud to have you as a nephew and cousy.  

all our love- Uncle Len, Sassy, and the Em. 

our baby graduates

Where has time gone?  

i remember the day that our little chelsie randa was born.  Papa bill took me and Mac (in our matching wind-suits) to mcdonalds for breakfast.  We were in the room when she was born, i had no idea at 6, how much that moment would change my life.  i did not realize that the little baby girl would grow up to be my biggest fan, my best friend, and a sister that the "trio" could not live without.  i have always taken such pride in my little mini me.  i remember being at every single event she ever participated in.  She always had a big fan club, at her cheerleading, basketball, softball, cow shows, 

and any other event she had.  

i think we all took great pride in making her succeed.  being 6 years younger then me i always felt the need to protect and guide her.  sometimes i was like another mom, and other times i was a cool big sis.  but whatever roll i have had or will have in her life, i know that she will always make us proud.  she is the best part of the family bc we all love her the most.  she is OUR baby and we expect great things from her.  

 today like all other big days in her life, we all shared a huge sense of pride.  she graduated from her favorite school with a degree in business.  it just seems like yesterday she was graduating from kindergarten with her little blue gown and now she is all grown up and going into this crazy world.  

May 4th, 2013

Chelsie Randa aka Kellie Stacie 
We know that you will go from here and do great things.  We want you to always know that we are proud of you and all your accomplishments, BIg or small.  my prayer for you is that your wings fly, that you get to be a mom someday, and that you remember your deep roots.  God has blessed you and made you into a wonderful lady.  i could not be more proud of you.  love you with all my heart.  

proud moment

on  March 24th, 2013 we were headed to bed.  our most precious times of the day are bedtime and morning prayers.  she was laying there with me and asked many questions about Jesus.  easter was coming and we had been watching "the Bible" so we had been talking a lot about the events that had happened.  something that night clicked in her head.  she understood about Jesus and His perfect sacrifice.  i told her all about what He went through for us.  i told her He loves us more then I love Her. she understood and we prayed a prayer and she asked Jesus to "come in" her heart and live.  special and precious moments that will always be my proudest time in her life.  We really questioned her and talked with our pastor and decided she was ready to be "bab-a-tized."   i asked my papa bill if he would  do the honors and he accepted.  he is a man of few words and he is not a fan of being center stage, but he did a perfect job.  we are so very blessed to have him in our family.  he is so very gentle and strong.  this man means so much to each of us.  Emrie was not nervous at all she was so excited.  i am proud that i have a Godly papa and a daughter that is so excited to love Jesus.  

 baby girl-  i want you to always remember how much Jesus means to you.  never run from Him bc you can't hide from Him.  He loves you so much, He will guide you, protect you, and bless you beyond what you could ever dream of.  He never lets us go and He holds us tight.
Our prayer for you is that you always honor Him with your life.  Jesus loves everyone and so should we.  We pray that her protects you from pain and heartache.  and that someday you can have a child so that you will grasp His almighty love for you.  We are so very proud of your choice and who you are deep inside.  there is just not enough words to tell you how much We love you.  you are our whole world and we are so blessed to be your momma and daddy.

 We are so blessed to be SO loved.  she is one popular girl with the best support in all the land.  it means so much to us that she is so loved by so many.

Ladies retreat 13

i have been trying to wrap my mind around this past weekend at the ladies retreat.  i have been the last 3 years, and this was the best year by far, for me.  the theme was " a love that never lets go," it was like it was tailored for me.  i love the way God plans all that out.  its no secret that i struggle with "waiting on the plan to unfold" i just think back over the last few years of my life and see time and time again how He is in charge of "the plan."  it was no mistake that i was at the retreat this weekend.  i was driving in my car after i took em to school, thinking i really don't want to leave her.  i fight God sometimes with what i want to do.  i know that as a mom and a woman that we really feel like the world will stop spinning if we are not taking care of the 100 things that day.  i should really trust my hubs more, bc he can in fact keep our life's going.
so i head south to falls creek friday and spend a weekend with Godly ladies that can refresh you.  God spoke to each of us in a different way, yet we all could relate.  i have been struggling with "pity parties" and dwelling in the poor me spot.  this weekend gave me a ray of sunshine.  once more God had that in the plan.  Friday night service was so good.  the speaker's testimony was she has 3 kids but lost her 4th baby just two hours after birth.  it has been 5 years and her emotion and feelings were so raw and evident.  healing from what i consider the very worst thing that could ever happen to anyone.  God chose His Son, so i think that gives us a good perspective on what a huge hole that would leave in anyones heart.  anyways she asked the audience to honor her baby and all the children that we lost.  she asked everyone in the room to stand if they had lost a child.  so precious and moving to see over half of the audience stand to their feet.  as i stood totally in awe of the ladies standing among me, i heard the anguish crying out from a woman across the tabernacle.  i have no idea about her story, but i felt her pain.  it was a healing moment for all the moms in that room to share a bond that is unimaginable.  for me personally it reminded me how special "my lobster" was to me.  how deep my love runs for my baby in heaven.  i don't really know the answers of how to heal, or how to fill the void you feel.  however i know that God is faithfully holding you.  i know He never drops you from his hand.  i know He is wrapping his big hands around those momma's broken hearts.  i also know that i would never want to face such heartache without the peace of Jesus.  i can't imagine walking down any heartache without Him.  
in Eph. 1:18- " I pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of His power for us who believe in Him.  this is the same power that raised Him from the dead and seated Him in the place of honor at God's right hand.
He is so strong and endured so much for me and you.  He knows and he is powerful.  He owns your life and heart.  He won't forget about YOU  !!!!!

Exercising with Jesus

so i am really into exercise these days.  i never in 100 years would of thought that i would love it, but i DO.  i love putting my head-phones in and just hearing my music.    this morning this song came on and it was no mistake.  
before the morning
you have to listen to it.   He told me, to believe i still have a reason to sing, bc the pain i have been feeling can't compare to the JOY coming.  
i know my JOY is coming btw her name will not be Joy. (side-note) 

a few weeks ago i visited a new mom, we have become good "infertile" friends.  i met her in the bathroom at church, we both ended up crying and sharing our heartache.  we both started the adoption process together, she got her precious baby G three weeks ago.  i took some dinner over and held that precious baby.  my friend looked at me and said these words, " i would DO IT ALL again, to hold her."   make no mistake, God knows the plan.  He puts people in your life and in my life at the very right moments.  
God gets me and i get him.  i know that He is refining and perfecting something about me, and i get Him.   i know He has a great and mighty plan that has our name written all over it.  
i am glad He is in charge bc if it was just me on this ship, i would of went over-borad many years ago.  

Frustrated and Bitter

let me fill you in on the happenings of our world.  for some reason God keeps putting Moms in my life, moms that need help, moms that are not even looking to adopt yet they get babies.  my sister has so many babies, this sweet couple i know get called to adopt a baby, this other couple gets twins from a family member, another mom is in a bad situation and needs help,  two girls in my ss class got their babies the last few weeks.  i am helping with 4 baby showers in april and may.  people have been giving me stuff to minister to these families.  while i am thankful and glad to help minister, i do not understand why i am being drawn to mommas and their babies.  i am in no shape to pour one more ounce of me into anyone else's babies.  

So no surprise here, but i am currently in a state of NOT good.  i am not a fan of patients, waiting, or suffering.  i like action, immediate action at that, and fun times.  lately i have developed a hard heart, and bad attitude. i do not like to be around pregnat ladies or new moms at all.  i have a hard time swallowing peoples pregnancy updates on Facebook.  i really do not like going to baby showers.   i find myself dwelling on the "could of been" or "what if. " 
let me just tell you this is a rough spot.  i feel like i am a Israelite wondering in the dessert for years.  i feel like sarah did, when she told abraham to to sleep with Hagar.  just fed up and frustrated, looking for plan W at this point.  i am tired and mad, i feel betrayed and alone.  empty and heart broke.  


Yet I find light in the dark, i have grace when i have no grace to give.  i see God at work even though its not in my own selfish timing.  i heard about this song       i look to you     from a friend, and boy it was just what i needed.   i feel like i have nothing left to give, yet i can look to HIM.  He is the almighty and He gives and takes life.  He has a plan, I know He dose in my head, but can't feel it in my heart.  God will use this time in my life when i know the answers, and see the plan unfold.  however this middle part that has lasted for 3 years has been rough and NO fun.  i am in the funk waiting for the waters to part, doors to open, and OUR BABY to come home.  

just FYI i will not hit you if you are pregnant or a new mom.  every baby is a perfect gift from God, and i am happy for you.  

Losing IT.....

Let me just start by saying, I LOVE FOOD.  i love it in a way not many people understand.  i think, dwell, dream, plan for food.  about 2 months ago, we were talking about "strong-holds"  i stayed quite for the first time ever, bc i did not want to admit my strong-hold.   however deep inside, i went straight to FOOD.  so on Jan 1st, me and len started our weight loss.  i will not lie- those first few weeks were NO FUN at all.  but as time has moved on, we have finally got a handle on things.  we set our ending date to may 1st, the winner gets new jet skis or new boobs. (neither of which will happen bc we are buying a baby)  so we joined the gym, bought healthy food, and litterly changed our whole way of living.
for me it's a lot more then losing weight, for me its been a processes of getting ME back.  for the last 2 years i lost myself in infertility.  i gave my whole heart, soul, body, and mind to the process.  i spent countless hours, money, and emotions trying to achieve a goal.  loosing weight is much the same, but in a healthy normal way, instead of crazy hormone way.  i finally LET GO, of what i have no control over and came to peace with my own heart.  i cannot describe to you the feeling of peace, the way i have experienced it.  God grants you the things we all need, if we are faithful to Him.  being at the gym a lot, has given me "focused time."  time to hear my own thoughts, for so very long i have been up/down on hormones, i feel like i lost Me.  through this time i have also grown deeper with God,  i love listening to praise songs while i exercise, its quality time with Him.   it really has been so good to feel like my relationship with Him is a priority, all the while i am getting stronger.
me and len also have bonded and have a common interest, so thats good for our relationship.
Win = Win all the way around.  
so in summary, the Hays family is felling better about life.

Moments

moment Number 1 !!!!

 i knew in this moment that i was forever changed.  i was forever her mom, that my love for her ran deep and wide.  i knew that i would give my life for her, i knew that my purpose in life had changed, all in this moment.   

 i think its kinda funny looking back at this moment Number 2 !!!!
the day Tucker was born, i was on my way to lawton, to take pictures for his birth-mom.  i had my camera all ready to go, and on my way.  i got half way to lawton, and Mckenzie calls, with the exciting news that K was in labor.  i was the first one there,  i was oh SO SO excited for my sister to have her moment that changed her life.  it just happened to work out that i got to be in the delivery room, cameras in tow.  i was standing right there, watching the love unfold.  i got to see adoption in the saddest, and happiest moment.  i was there.
i think God let me see this so clearly for a reason.  i think He knew "the plan" all along.  i think that He knew i needed to be in there.  My heart longs for my moment #3 to get here.  sometimes i feel like time is not passing.  i just want to be a mom again.  as we all know patients are not something that flows from within, however God continues to teach me that His timing is perfect.  i trust that He is holding our baby dear, somewhere in some ladies uterus.  i trust that He has picked that baby for us.  i just am so ready to see "the plan" unfold.
our home study is this Saturday, and after that we will be ready to move forward.  however we will continue to work hard to pay off all the "Lobster" stuff before we go LIVE !!!
God is still where we find our peace, comfort, and we pray to Him that He sends our baby right into the arms that have been planned for it.

2012

my all inspiring older sister had a 2012 blog.... SO.......

these will be in the most random order ever.....

New years 2012 

 in May Emrie caught her first BIG fish and her dad was real excited.

 In February 2012, the Beauty Shop celebrated 6 years of business.  i count my blessings and these ladies are defiantly a huge blessing to me.  Thank you girls for making a place of work feel just like home.

 June-  We celebrated a year full of Dad's.  i am thankful for each role these men play in my life.

 All summer we played at the lake, this is 4 generations of fun girls.

 Spring Time-  Emrie learned how to ride her bike without the training wheels.  Her Dad was a great teacher, her mom was a nervous wreck.  She however picked it up and took off.

 Easter 2012-   Bunnies and the park.

 May 2012- We had the Cain Family reunion at dad's house.

 July -  our big, beautiful baby girl.

 September-  Bowling magic.

 August- Emrie goes to school all DAY long.

 August-   Someone Turned 5 !!!!!

 October - We added Bennett to our family.  His big cousin thinks he is real great.

 RV livin.  We went to Shamrock TX to meet and greet our new baby boy.  It was love at first sight.

 We went to "thunder alley"  which was super fun till people started shooting people.

 Em and Daddy went to the father-daughter dance in November.  i think she thinks her daddy hung the moon.

 In october we had some fun trick or treating with a donkey, captain america, and little tiger.

 early summer- We helped with VBS.

 there were fireworks on 7-4 and we watched them

 Kagan and em have really become best buds.  this summer we went to little Niagara and they loved playin in the cold water.

 swimming is all we like when its 100+ degrees outside.

 Visited and watched several rodeos.  its a common ground for this family.

 in October we found out that our "embryo adoption" worked.   We had "baby lobster" for 12 weeks, and lost our precious baby on 12-10.

 giving back in a little way.  December

 December 15th-22 We ventured to Crested Butte, CO

 santa was visited.  she requested and received Baby butterscotch (horse)

 Thanksgiving 2012

 Christmas time

 our family pics this year

After a year of many ups and downs, i am beyond blessed to have my family.  We are all healthy and strong.  i would of defiantly changes a few events of 2012, however i know that its all part of our story. i am just blessed to be part of the wonderful family i have.   i pray that 2013 brings contentment, peace, and full hearts.