oh to my sister

Well today me and Emrie went to OKC to take some pictures of my sis and her hubs. well i was driving up and just thinking all about that girl. she is 17 months older then me and at times in our life's we did not care about each other but today we are very close. she is my one role model, biggest fan, and dear friend. she loves my baby girl so very much that it makes me love her that much more. See Her and Chris have faced infertility for the past few years, and its been a long road. so they are now in the adoption process, and that is what the pics are for. so needless to say i was thinking all this threw on the way up. see i watch her love my baby so intensely. i want her to have that love for her own baby, i wanted so bad for her to feel a baby move in her belly, but today i finally accepted that she can love her baby no matter how it comes to be. she was playing with Emrie in the pool tonight, and as i watched her, i see her love for Em pour out of every fiber in her soul. she is going to be an incredible mom, and i am so ready to love her baby the way she loves mine.

Mac i hope you know that i will be behind whatever you are or become. i love you and guess what i am crying.

should i stay or should i go?

Well me and Lendall are celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary on Saturday, so we are taking a weekend ski trip. we are leaving Emrie with my sister for 3 nights, which when typing dose not seem that long, but in my sad momma heart it feels like an eternity. i love her so very much and she feels the same way about me, so it just breaks my heart to leave her. i know most people think i am silly, and i might think i was silly to after 18 kids, and never being alone. but for now my heart aches for her.

I need to do this, i need to make my marriage a priority like i make motherhood. i love to be with lendall and we have lots of fun when its just me and him. but i already miss my baby girl.

so here i go..... i am going to leave her......i am praying that God makes her content and that He makes me relax. Wish us all luck.

Pictures

This is the very 1st time we met and feel in love with our little baby girl.

This is our most current Family Picture.

Sunshine !!!

Here is a picture that reminds me of summer. she is better then sunshine.
There is only one cure for winter blues, and that is the swet sunshine. i was feeling very drab, and so when i woke up to the sunshine it lifeted my spirts. so today i feel blessed to be able to spend the morning with my little Emrie and blessed to be able to work this afternoon.

Love .... define it.

Love.......

well from my previous post to this one we have made a full circle. Lendall has in fact not given up and we are smitten with each other. today is valentines and what a wonderful day to talk about the journey love takes us on.

i feel like love is defined by what you feel for your kids, i know that God planed on us loving our babies like we do. that is why he chose Jesus to die instead of marring some old gal and making her die for the worlds sin. so therefor that is what i compare love too. loving Emrie. i simply cannot put into words the way i love her, but moms out there know what i am talking about. anyways since i had em, i have secretly been not loving len the way i should. i need to let love for him flow from me, but it dose not come to me naturally. you see i must choose to love all things LEN. he is a dreamer and often i am NOT, i like reality, he likes Horses, trucks, golf, hunting, ext..... that is why i define love as being a conscious choice to be better at loving. i choose Len to love and spend my life with. i want to feel fairy tell love flow from my heart to him, but lets face it, i choose to work at marriage, i choose to give in, and let go, i chose to eat carrot cake instead of cheesecake.

i chose on 2-20-04 and i will choose to have his name beside mine on our family tombstone.

i love you Lendall.

crazy ride we call life.

well i am not a fan of roller coasters, and lately that is all i have been on. life is so hard some days, that i feel like giving up. but there is one dominate reason for me to continue on. my love for my baby girl is so deep and endless, that i will not stop at any measure to give her the best. she means so much to me and lendall that without her between us, there is not much left.

we have had our ups and downs but lately things have been very down. it hurts me to say, that its over between us, but it feels like there is not much hope left. our love for each other has slowly grown into our love for Emrie. that is the only thing we have left to hold too. that is what i am clinging too so very desperately, i am begging God to Hold us together.

that is all consuming to my mind, but this is simply to big for me to fix, even though i want to with all my heart. so i am giving up and have to let God handle this offal situation.

January Birthdays !!!!

Well the month of January is always full of birthday for us. i think its bc i always get along with people whose birthday is in Jan. my oldest sister turned 27 on the 19th, and she is simply wonderful. she is the perfect role model to have your whole life. she has always been my #1 fan, even when i did not notice. she is selfless, and kind hearted. she loves for others to make her decisions and once again i like to take that roll, that is of corse when Gene her nice hubs is not around. but that dose not happen often, bc they love to be together and truly love each other. i admire your marriage Mac and Chris. my 2 best buds both have birthdays in Jan. My childhood Friend Meaghan, turned 26 on the 27th, she is so funny and dramatic. she has a almost 3 year old little girl and a 7 month old boy. Her daughter maddy and Emrie are best friends. i am so blessed to have her as a friend. she is a only child so i have always felt like a sister to her. Then my Friend Chan celebrated her 25th on the 14th. chan and me have lived together and been threw thick and thin. she is a loyal, trustworthy, and funniest chick i know. we have shared many good times, and i know that threw out my life i will always be Best friends with her. then there is my beloved nana who shares her birthday on the 15th with my little sister-in-law leah. leah turned 18, this year and she has been threw so much medically threw out her life, she is literally a walking miracle of God. My nana who is the most loving, gracious, selfless lady in the whole world, celebrated her 75th birthday this year. (she is going to kill me) she has lived a life to admire. her legacy that she will leave behind is a direct reflection of the woman she is. then on the 26th my lovely aunt teresa had her birthday. i love that lady, she is always honest and you know just where and what she stands for.

i hope all of you special women know how much i love and treasure each relationship we have. i hope the whole month brings happy memories for you all.

Entry # 1.

Well i guess i will start this blog bc i have not been able to get to mine in several months. we are still her on main, our lives have not changed in any dramatic way, but it is all good. Emrie is 2.5 years old and she is so stinking big. she comes up with the funniest things these days. she told me that her baby was sick from being in the rain, and she needed to go to the doctor , to get meds. she loves to watch old westerns like john wayne, or anything with a horse. she loves sausage and pancakes, she loves to shop, and dose not really like to get dirty. i think she has been hangin with her mom to much. anyways she fills our days with happiness and we feel so blessed that God made her so incredibly perfect for us.

Lendall is back welding at Crown, which is way up in deer creek, and he makes that huge sacrifice for us, i have slowed down quite a bit, and i enjoy staying home more with Em.

we hope that this finds you well and warm on these cold winter days.