Barn to a Cross

thought i better update so that people know i am alive.  i cannot remember the last time i did NOTHING all week.  i can't even remember the last time i stayed home for this long.  i have not driven a car in a week, i have not been out to eat in a week,  i did not go to any of the 60 things i committed to all week.  i mean crazy for me.  crazy yet good, i have had lots of time to get my thoughts all together.  my house is clean, and my head is clear.  what happened to us, was nothing short of a horrible thing, yet when i think of other parents who face such tragedy i can't help but be grateful.  from the moment i became a mom i always idolized Mary.  she was so strong, brave, and courageous.  i just think of her feelings when she had to ride a donkey to go pay taxes.  give birth in a barn,  raise, love, and watch Him grow into a man.  She was there watching Him take on the whole world's sin, she had to watch him get beat and endure death.   
When i think about my Lobster, i know i gave it all i could.  i was there, i know that it died in a comfy, warm,  and loving spot.   i know that it was safe from the world, safe from crazy people, safe from drugs and drinking.  i know that it went from being loved and held by me, to being loved and held by Mary.  i know she would gladly rock my baby for me till i get there.  what more peace do i need. 

i have always heard that God grants you the peace you need to get through the things that you face.  i can find that to be true, i admire moms who wait for hearts, or fight cancer for their kids.  i admire moms like Mary, who love their babies from a barn to the cross.  

This is the mom i want to be, to my Emrie, for Lobster, and Our future babies.  i want to just love them the way that Mary loved Her babies.   

thank u all for loving and caring for us.  i read and re-read all your sweet words over and over.  

We are headed north West for some family skiing.  i am excited to get away from home for a spell, i will be back to our life after Christmas.  

lots of love- Cass

Bad News Bears

Update :We had our Christmas party with the beauty shop this last saturday, after dinner i went to the bathroom and realized i had started spotting, so we went to the ER, they checked everything and could not find a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but found a heartbeat with the doppler.  so we had hoped that everything was ok.  so i called my doctor early monday morning and went straight to OKC.  my mom went with me, and i am glad she did.  Dr.K could not find a heartbeat, i asked if he was 1000% sure, and he was.  We all cried in the room.  His nurse nancy and him included.  they showed me great compassion.  i go in wednesday for a DNC.  i am ready to have that part all done. while i never expected such devistaion, and although i am not sure where to go from here.  i do know that God is in control.  i know that He never leaves us or forsakes us.  i know that we are in this place of grief and sorrow for a reason.  i know that this "Lobster Baby" served a purpose.  It will forever be in my heart and it changed me forever.  i loved and held this precious baby for way to short of a time.  i wish SO badly that we could of had a chance to watch it grow, but this is just another chapter in our story.  i am so thankful for the love that people pour out towards me, however i need to hide this week.  i am in no shape to be my normal self.  We leave this saturday for our ski trip, and i am excited to be away from reality.  my family is here, and i will be back to life after Christmas.  please just pray for us, pray for len to be strong, me to heal from heart-ache, and my sweet em to understand it the best she knows how.  

november 6th, 2012

feeling a little up-date coming on.  
We are all doing good.  i have been sick with the cough of 2012 that wants to hold onto my lungs till the new year comes.  and with a very easy gag reflex this has been rough.  i have done some nausea, vomiting, ( just love that word) and have lost 4 pounds.  other then that whole situation i feel good.  i am excited to loose some pounds.  i have been waiting on this diet for 4 years now.  
i went to the doctor on the 30th, and confirmed that we have ONE healthy precious baby inside.  i had lots of mixed emotions that day.  i was a lot sad for the other 2 that did not like my environment, but i was so happy that one did.  it was a rough day for me.  a touch of the FAILURE part came back at me, but i did not want to seem un-gratful.  
we go back tuesday the 13th just to check on things.  i have been busy getting quotes on how much it costs to have a baby.  while it is not fun having to pay lots of $$$ to have a babe, i am grateful that we have the chance to.  my perspective has changed a lot from when we paid for Emrie.  
all 4 of us are doing great.  Len is working out of town most the time, and we are not big fans of that.  but we are grateful to have a daddy that will do whatever he has to for his girls.  Em is doing great at school, she is my best buddy and i am so excited to see her as a big sis.  and I am just real happy with my life.  its kinda crazy what true contentment feels like.  its kinda like God filling every part of your heart with fuzzy cotton balls.  He is the giver of all our blessings and we want to spend our life's thanking Him.  
And since its the season for thankfulness........
our family is OVERWHELMINGLY blessed to be healthy, strong, and together.  

Guess What happened.......

Date 10/10/12
Time 7:00 am 
i wake up, start the day running.  my plan was to take em to school and come home and do a few things, get ready ect....
i take her to school, call the doctor..... i asked "can i come today b/c i have a funeral in the morning?" she said come on up.  i leave purcell at 8:15.  i get to Moore, my mom calls "stop where you are, i am coming." so i gather her, we go to the doctor office, they draw blood, and tell me it will be 1 hour.  
LONGEST HOUR EVER btw. 
We come back to norman, kill time, shop, eat.  
Place: Target parking lot. they call and with all 4 of my favorite nurses on speaker phone.....
"CONGRATULATIONS MOMMA, YOUR PREGNANT"

My mom screamed, i cryed. and we sit for about 2 minuets in shock.  I call Len, he said "that's the best news i have ever heard"  mom called nana, chles, and Mac.  we all sit in the parking lot on 2 phones just crying and carrying on. 

it was such a shock, bc i had been trying to prepare for bad news.  i was trying so hard not to let myself jump on and be excited, yet with that call i had to turn my thoughts all the way around.  

This fertility journey has been the very hardest, most disappointing, hurtful, and painful thing i have ever faced.  However in that very moment I would do it all again.  the whole journey seemed long, but in that moment i forgot all about the pain.  i cannot describe the over whelming joy that fills my heart.  i feel so blessed that God heard my cry, heard all the prayers on our behalf.  He makes beautiful things.  my ring tone on my phone is "The hurt and heeler" and those words played so strong in my heart. the words in the song that i have held throughout out this journey...."i am alive, even though a part of me has died.  you take my heart and breath it back to life."  that is my testimony of what God has done for me.  He is all knowing, smart, gracious, and He gave us this precious gift.  We could not be more thankful to Him.

                 Consider these BOOTS filled  !!!!!!!


i know a lot of people.  i have was born and raised in this town, i am always a open book about life.  therefor i cannot count the many 100's of people that have called, text, emailed, and facebooked me.  it means so much to me that people remember about me during their own busy life's.  i can't list you all but please know that you have all brought me such comfort through-out this time.  i am thankful that so many people love and support us.    

Hormones, marriage, prayers.

update time.....
So i went to the doctor last Thursday and i was on target to start the process.  they started my shots that day + 5 days of grey pills, and 5 days of blue pills.  let me just tell you that this lethal combination of shots, and pills left for a HOT MESS.  i was out of my mind crazy, i felt like i had a mental breakdown, was out of control, and HATED the way they made me feel.  i have never understood suicide, but i can now say that i see how someone can feel so OUT OF CONTROL.  it was a intense 5 days.  by day 4, it was a problem, then day 5 came and oh mercy.  by 9:00 monday evening, i could not maintain a good thought.  so my advice to anyone who has to go through this, stay home, have NO contact with people. and avoid any commitments.  i however did the opposite which resulted in me unleashing on my partner.  sensitivity is not his strong point, so that was not pretty.  we made it through, but it was touch and go.  he does in fact love me, however he is not the best at showing that.  i was in over-drive and it was rough.  but at the end of the day or week He is mine and he gets the crazy cass.  marriage is not always a picked fence with 1.5 kids in the yard playing ball.  its more like 2 different people trying to merge on the hwy. someone has to let a car in.  the end result is there is NO one else in the world i would rather merge with.     
Tuesday finally got here,and we went and had the Embryos, (3 to be exact) put inside me.  i was then on strict back bed rest for 24 hours, then normal bed rest for another 24 hours, then just been taking it easy.  i feel  fine, healthy, and semi-hormaly balanced.  i am still doing a shot a day, and 3 white pills.  but all in all i feel good.  i am SO ready for THURSDAY to get here.  i will go do blood work and then get the results.  i don't know if i am more excited to know, or more excited to be done.  its a toss up for me.  either way i am excited for something.  We have already stated the regular adoption process,  and we go to our adoption seminar friday and saturday.  we also got our back ground checks in the mail today. (they were good fyi)  so we are 100% committed to that if we get a negative result thursday.  
We know that GOD has picked a baby for us, and we just can't wait for him to show us the plan. 
         Thank you friends, family, my mom who has given me every shot, my sister and tucker for being here for bed rest, my church family for feeding us, and my hubs for not jumping this crazy ship.   We are overwhelmed with prayer from all sorts of people.  i cannot count how many people have touched my heart through this process.  

up to date

i have a lot of people ask for a update, so here it is.  I went to the doctor last friday and found out i am at a 6.4, i need to be at a 8.0.  so i go back next thursday to check again.  from there we do a week of shots, and transfer day is set again for October 2nd.  We are putting all 4 embryos in, and trusting God that He will give us however many baby or babies He wants us to have.  We find out if we are pregnant or not on the 11th.  We are just ready for this to be all over.  On October 12th I will no longer obsess, think, or dwell in the world of infertility.  we will be free and complete.  i am real excited for this day to get here.  its kinda ironic how God's time line works.  My very fist appointment with Dr. Kallenburger was One year ago on Oct. 11th.  it has been the very longest year of my life, but i can say that i gave it my all, i no longer have a fear of needles, and that i am a more patient person.  We are excited to know what our next step is, and even more excited to be DONE with this journey.  Thank you all for your kind words, and encouragement.  i read them a whole lot.  

Surviving a Funk.

So in the latest news front.  i have been on "crazy lady pills" for the whole month of Sept. and that has been real fun.  i fell drained, real sleepy, MOODY, emotional, and real frustrated, so that has been fun.  I was scheduled to be done with crazy pills and start crazy Shots this thursday the 20th, instead my body decided to  start all  over again. and so that puts me back to day 1 of "crazy Pill lady."  I have been really non-stop busy and on the go.  so today i had a minute to really think this situation over.  the results are bad, i actually hate my current situation.  it feels like this will never end.  some say, "oh its just two more weeks, don't give up now"  i would say " pop some hormones, let me know how you feel after 2 extra weeks."   i just feel alone and sad.  literally babies are appearing all around me.  this was the month i was supposed to be bring my baby home.  and instead i am just waiting AGAIN.  some close friends and family are having there 2nd baby, all while i am still waiting, it seems un-fair. 
however today, i had a nice pity party, walked into Old-Navy, and saw a fellow shopper.  She was in a wheelchair, could not use her arms, yet she over came all the struggles it took for her to get into that store.  i think God has the weirdest and purposeful timing of things.  i did not talk to her, bc i would of lost control, but that lady touched me today.  There must of been times in her journey that she wanted to give up, yet she made it to old-navy today.  
i think the lesson for me today is, He knows my hearts desire, He just wants to do it when i find what it takes to forget the funk. 

August

Big things have happened this month.  Our bay Lue turned 5 on the 20th.  its crazy to me how fast time passes these days.  i remember when i was in high school and days lasted a lifetime now, they fly by so fast.  We could not be more proud of her but at the same time this phase of her life brought change.  i had to let go of her for the 1st time in her life.  i had to give someone else 8 hours of my precious time with her.  I had to ask her how much she ate at lunch, did she Pee/poop at school?  i had to trust other people to love and care for her.  i tell u for a momma that wants to hold on, this was not my best moments.  i am still not a huge fan, but she is doing great.  she is brave, strong, capable, and able to be her even without me.  

 this is her first day of T-K, 2012

 We are hoping to fill the boots.  our goal for now is to get my body to start another cycle.  so that is what we have been waiting on since June, but i finally took medicine to help out the process, and one more phase of waiting has started.  Hopefully we should know by the end of Sept. if our "embryo adoption" worked or not.  if it does not work we are 100% moving on with regular adoption. We have the paper work, home-study, back-grounds, and $$$ all ready.  We are just ready to have a baby.  

Aslo We found out that i am going to be "aunt-Sassy" again.  Tucker is getting a new baby brother in just a few more weeks.  We are real excited to welcome Bennett Harris into our family.  We already love him a whole lot.  

Waiting for something BIG

Well its has been a while.  Lots of things have happened, some good and some bad.  lets start with good.  Emrie finished Pre-K with flying colors, Lendall built me shudders for the house, and VBS was a hit.  Thats about all i can come up with.  Now the bad.  We have journeyed down the infertility road for the last 2 years, and i am excited to say that phase is over.  despite our valiant efforts, we unfortunately were not abel to get any good results out of it.  All we know is that we are another case of "un-explained infertility."  so after lots of time, energy, $$$, and pieces of our soul..... WE ARE DONE.  i feel a lot defeated, very sad, and a touch mad.  HOWEVER i trust a really BIG God that has a perfect plan.  He has minded parts of my heart that i thought would never heal.  and for that i owe Him.  We are excited for that phase to pass, and even more excited for whats to come.  Right now we are going to pursue Birth adoption, and Embryo adoption.  my prayer is that God will allow me to carry our next baby, But i also have guarded myself.  at this point its hard to fully jump on any Ban-Wagon.  So by starting both processes we can be ready for plan B.  
so for now we are not sure how or when or what color  our baby will be, but we know that God has brought us to this point for a reason.  Our greatest desire is to follow whatever plan He has for us.  


We just want to say thank you to our families, friends, and church family for walking with us down this road.  We look forward to see what He does for us.  

Tuck turns 2 !!!

Happy #2 Tuck.

Happy #1 big boy
Tuck and Em when he was 1 week old. Seems like yesterday to me.
the very first time we ever met. i was over whelmed with all the love in that room.

My little Buddy Tucky- i think you are a pretty special fella. you remind me every time i see you, just how unique and special you are. You have the very cutest smile, and big heart. I love the way you give Pat-Pats and those sweet kisses. You really are a smart guy, your momma works so hard making you sing, read, count, and spell. You will always have a special place in my heart. you love that Emrie girl, i love your relationship with her. She will always need to set a good example for you and you will always look up to her. i love the way you call me "aunt sassy" and how you always want to come to our house. i Pray that you grow up to be something wonderful, and that you honor OUR GOD with your life. I love you so very much and i am a better person bc you are part of my life.

the sisters - 1 took mom out for her birthday. we went and ate and to see "Hunger Games" just the girls. NO KIDS, this does not happen often. it was a fun afternoon.

earlier in march, me and Em went to surprise Daddy. He has been working out of town, so we drove up to Enid to stay the night in his hotel. Em felt like she had a 6 day Vaca.
Em and her buddy Cooper. she loves this kid, and i can see why he is pretty fun to hang out with. they are two peas in a pot.
This child spends a whole lot of time at the shop. i call her my "Beauty shop HOODrat" she loves being with me and i love having her with me. she is always getting compliments on her behavior. we sure are proud of our girl and how she acts. she is "working" or "doing her jobs" here to make some $$$$ for her beloved basket ball goal.
thats some of what we have been up to this month.

Sad Day

i started reading the book "interrupted" by Jen hatmaker. let me just say that i kinda feel like this gal has her head screwed on straight. so far i think she has made perfect sense. i feel heavy and convicted today. i feel like some days i just dwell in the "Sad Day" stage. i have been dwelling and feeling some "poor me" things. i never want to come across as un-greatfil, or un-fullfilled. bc i am so blessed, i am so glad that Jesus paid my price. i mean really look around, there are plenty of roses to smell. He continues to show me how i need to be refining my heart. i just feel like my hands are tied, my back is against the wall, my life is at a stand still. its like i cannot move forward without a baby. my mind is consumed, my heart is broken, and my body is TIRED. i really in my own little head, think i deserve to be a momma again. i ache to feel a baby inside of me. and yet here i sit blogging about sad days. i am not going to lie, i feel a little betrayed or forgotten. i keep telling my head, that God is saving the best for me. He has a perfect timeline. he is saving my heart from devastation. he is protecting me. i get that, in my head. my heart on the other hand is SAD. i want to have the answers, i want to understand His plan. i want to just trust Him, Have Faith, and move on. so thats where and what i am. i am stuck between what i know in my head and feel in my heart.

God- make my heart match what i know in this crazy head of mine.

Be My Valentine

our family

the day he became a daddy
Our wedding day at the court house.
my little BOY SCOUT

I recently was reading this book, and it was talking about finding "Mr. Right" well i used to be a firm believer in "that crap don't happen" and at times i still feel that way. however the day i met Len, all my very firm thoughts went out on the dance floor. He is uniquely the very most perfect guy for me. now lets keep it real here: he is by no means perfect, he lacks a whole lot of sensitivity. but really he is what he is suposed to be. the book told me that your partner is supposed to have all the "fruits of the spirt" well let me just say there are 9 of those prcious fruits. and he has 8 out of 9. yea thats what i married ladies. myself on the other hand is a whole lot of mess. i struggle with JOY, PATIENTS, PEACE, GENTEELNESS, and my personal fav SELF-CONTROL. so in other words i need to learn some things from my man. He is so good, in so many ways. he loves his girls which is my favorite thing about him. He made me a momma, a wife, and he is all i want and need. he completes me in all those "struggly" places. he provides, and protects. he is Mine and he holds my heart. i love My valentine.

fertile gals

have you ever scene the mommas at wal-mart with shirtless, shoeless, dirty babies. the moms that forgot to brush their hair but have a cigarette and LIGHTER. Or how about when your in a restaurant and the mom next to you has a newborn and she is twitching from her drugs. now don't get me wrong here... i believe that every baby born in this world has a purpose. even those millions of babies who don't get the opportunity to breath on their own. Every Egg+Sperm, little tiny heartbeat should still always be treated with tender loving care.

i often find myself asking or even begging God WHY, WHY, and WHY can these crazy no good moms get pregnant over and over and i can't. Fertility struggles are not for the Week hearted. i mean it takes a Physical, and emotional toll on your heart and soul. in so many ways its one of the most frustrating and hurtful thing to struggle with. it takes your heart from anxiousness to excitement and failure all in the matter of a month. the meds make you INSAIN, the intimacy that it should take to have a baby is literally OUT the door. It is Rough !!!

at the end of this journey i hope i have a bundle of joy to love on and i hope that i have no time to write a blog about my life. but i also know that God feels the parts of your heart that you seek Him hardest at. he gives you peace in the midst of a hormone storm. He gives and takes or choose not to make life. He is the Almighty and He knows what should of, could of, and would of. He answers each burning question and blesses you when your not looking.

whatever happens i know For Sure that i am blessed beyond what i deserve.

she was in the mood for baking. so this was our creation. we are ready for the bake off.

we were busy playing horses, when i said "let me take your picture" i wish u could hear her carrying on about all her horses names and what the love. she is so detailed and smart. i hope she looks back on her childhood with fond memories of how things were.

black friday affair

We love to get out among the craziness of black friday. i am not sure why but we always seem to have good times. this year taylor lee joined the sisters and we did the shopping. we took connie which added a new touch this year. we got a few great deals and ended the night at 4;00am asleep in connie. taylor took one for the team and drove the sleepy sisters home. it was a fun night with good memories.

Skiing 2011

our little 4 year old ski bunny. i was not sure if we were going to try skiing with her this year, but she begged us to let her. so we rented her a set and off she went. we learned on the bunny slope 4x's and then headed to the top. she skied all the way down with no complaints and little help. all she kept saying was " lets go, i need to catch the big kids" we were so proud and she will be passing us by in a few years.

my entire gaol for the trip was a "family Pic" well it was a mess trying to get it taken and a even bigger mess to get the picture. but it was all worth it. its so nice to have both sets of parents in one big happy family pic. it really meant a lot to the 3 of us girls, to travel and have memories with both of our parents. we all shared some good laughs, and it made for a wonderful family trip.

we went to Steam Boat, CO. December 2011
me and my favorite man. the very first day skiing me and len ventured out alone. he was to excited not to ski that day. and it ended up being so nice. we went at our own pace and enjoyed each other. he really is a "one of a kind creature" he is fun, cool, calm, collected, smart, handsome, and all together perfect. {most of the time} i hope that i make him as happy as he makes me.